Chapter 27: Bridging the Boredom

[listersgirl]

I've been in a weird headspace for the last couple of weeks. I keep feeling like I'm doing everything wrong, though I have no actual proof of that. Even so, I spend much of my time flailing around, worrying about things that aren't getting done and feeling like a useless person who really needs someone to look after her. I hate that feeling.

I can't seem to make myself do the dishes or put anything away, so the place is very cluttered, which makes me feel awkward in my own home (I can't settle properly in clutter). Even worse, my desk is covered in crap, and I know there are things in there that I was supposed to deal with, but it feels like such an effort to dig down through the layers of paper. I'm eating terribly, not cooking, I've gained back nearly all the weight I lost over the past year and a half, and I can't make myself go to bed. Even though I'm tired. Probably I'm just sleep-deprived, which would explain why everything seems so overwhelming. I've got to get a grip on myself, though, because in this state of mind I'm likely to never quite get around to looking for a new place to live, which would be...unhelpful.

And I'm having extreme money stress, but yet still spending too much. Which is really not like me -- I'm usually good with money. I think things are just not sinking into my brain properly right now.

Anyway.

On to happy things!

It's biascut's birthday today! Have a fabulous birthday! Er, ::checks clock:: I hope you had a fabulous birthday? Time differences are not my friend.

Also, I stayed home sick yesterday. Go stomach flu. Which wouldn't normally be a happy thing, but I was pretty much better by noon, and I spent the afternoon watching Popular and not feeling guilty about not being at work. Although I do feel slightly guilty about not feeling guilty.

And it's craft fair season. Whee! I went (as in, took the elevator downstairs at lunch) to the Moose Show last week, which only barely counts as a craft fair - it's mostly an artisan show, meaning everything is gorgeous and far too expensive for me. But it was a nice warm-up. This weekend is the fabulous Signatures fair, next weekend is the exclusive Out of Hand fair, and there are many others besides. Jams of the world, watch your back. I'm coming for you.

Comments

[starfishchick]

Almonds! Pickled garlic stems! (There had BETTER be pickled garlic stems, let me tell you.) The antipasto spread! Jams and jellies! Dips! Pesto!

Oh, I'm sorry. They have actual CRAFTS at these things? It's not the Tasty Gourmet Food Show?

[listersgirl]

It should be. In fact, it should be the Tasty Gourmet Food Show With No Lineups For The Free Samples.

Yup.

[anglaisepaon.livejournal.com]

Could it just be the November blues? They do tend to creep up unexpectedly.

I make a batch of blueberry jam every spring...I'll send you a jar if you'd like.

[listersgirl]

Really? I'm not going to turn down homemade blueberry jam -- blueberries are my favourite food ever.

That's so sweet, thank you! Do you need my address?

[anglaisepaon.livejournal.com]

Nah. Got your address from my Christmas card poll. :)

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Hee, no, still my birthday. It's just after twenty to six and I will be late unless I ruuuuuuuun......!

[listersgirl]

Ruuuuun! The fun is waiting for you!

[pescana.livejournal.com]

I have a lot of the same feelings and I think some of it may be the season, and a lot of it is not getting enough sleep. I'm still taking stuff to help me sleep, and it's better than it would be without, but I'm just not sleeping. Then I'm tired and cranky and useless, then I worry more so I don't sleep, and bah.

My way of dealing with this is to give myself permission to feel bad for a while, and let things go, and then pick a date when I'm going to make myself stop. And I do. I also find some little thing to perk me up, whether it's a good smelly lotion or some chocolate or tea. Or a movie. Something small that makes me feel better. Because it is no fun feeling like that, is it?

[listersgirl]

I like that idea - picking a date to stop, and giving myself something nice as a treat.

Yeah, it's one of those cycles that are so hard to get out of, because the more useless I feel the less I do. At least they usually resolve themselves eventually. Right now I just wish I had someone cooking for me, because food seems to be the biggest victim.

[pescana.livejournal.com]

I've found it works for me most of the time, but I have to really give myself permission to wallow in my misery. Sometimes that gets me out of it faster, because I start to get amused at my own melodrama.

And I would cook for you were I nearby, but alas I am not. Try and get your healthy stuff in, and don't worry too much. I am currently ignoring my weight while I work through the physical therapy, because I simply can't workout to the intensity I need and it's driving me crazy. That's enough to worry about.